The day I died

The day I died

The day I died

The day I died

Being woken by geese beckoning a magnificent sunrise sounded like bells ringing to announce a new time, a new chapter, a new choice.

During winter they were quiet. Like the rest of Life, winter was time to regroup and savour the promise of what was coming, deep in the heart. It was a time where all of us dreamt our dreams and played with ideas, creating vastly different futures and trying them on to feel if they fit. In our imaginations we are allowed and able to practice anything we want to, without having to be subjected to direct consequences. Only when we decide on a path, we begin to align ourselves with what we imagined we wanted, and it starts happening.

This is, simply put, an energy shift. We decide how much of which quality of what we have to give, goes where. Isn’t it absolutely astounding to think that we actually have the ability to create and uncreate (give life to, and take life) anything we choose?

What has this then to do with death? Everything.

Unfortunately, our society had not yet developed to a stage where we can embrace all sorts of deaths. Generally speaking, the word death brings about an ancient fear of ending and loss. Of course death, as we experience it, shatters our world and brings tremendous pain and longing. From our current world-view, this is perfectly normal and natural, yet it might be beneficial to reassess our idea of death. Perhaps we can expand our definition of the word DEATH. I wonder what would happen if we rather say CHANGE?

I essence, death as we know it, is change. Change for everyone, and this change is not always experienced as negative. The suffering comes when there is Love and we want that form of Love as we knew it, to stay exactly the same. When this change comes, the familiar world ends; it changes.

Looking at death this way makes death a common experience in our everyday lives. We constantly die hardly noticeable little deaths, for being the embodiment of Life, is to constantly change.

Everything dies – thoughts, feelings, relationships, ideas, health, illness, families, words, actions, ambitions, dreams and desires. You can further your own list of little deaths, for you die different deaths than I do.

The day I woke up to a new way of thinking and relating, of seeing new possibilities and having new dreams, was the day I knew I had died. The me of yesterday was gone, dead, changed.

Fearing these deaths stifles Life, and what a tragedy it is to us all if but one of us would not have the courage to participate in the evolution of Life! Together we create Life. We grow and expand when we realize that we are Life. Each and every one of us is sovereign and encouraged to live as such. It is by expressing who you truly are and encouraging others to do the same, that we create the kind of Life where we would want to live.

You are Life. You are the source of your focus. You have the ability to choose. Please, choose Life over fear and embrace change – there is no other way.

It’s time

It’s time

It’s time

This morning I woke up to something somewhat puzzling – a front page newspaper article about my own personal blog where I simply share ideas.

My blood boiled after yet another uncalled for attack on me by a former friend, Ronelle Rademeyer who works for Die Republikein. I phoned Ronelle and repeatedly asked the question of what she is trying to achieve by publishing such “news”. To say she was at a loss for words is an understatement of note……

Let me start by explaining the context in which this whole debacle is happening.

Ronelle, her husband Lourens and their two sons, Wilhelm and André, were friends (house friends) since 1998. Their kids spent many afternoons with mine and my wife drove them around to extra-murals because Ronelle was allegedly at work. We went away on weekends and in my view, were good friends. As life happens, we saw less of one another over time as we all got busy.

This now brings me back to as my complete loss of understanding and patience.

For almost two years now, I’ve wrongfully been accused by a false media narrative of playing all sorts of roles in what is called the Fishrot matter in Namibia. I have never been part of Fishrot. In June 2017, the then Attorney General of Namibia, Sackey Shangala instructed me in his professional capacity, mandated by the SWAPO Party’s then Secretary General, instructing me to manage the funding of their election campaign. With all the necessary documentation in place, I duly did so and acted on instruction as all attorneys are supposed to do.

Unfortunately, this false media narrative is borne from a principle repugnant to our society – guilt by association. So, does this mean that because she was a so called “friend” that Ronelle Rademeyer is now also guilty- because of her association with me? By creating this false media narrative through all the prejudicial pre- trial publicity, the Namibian media has stolen my constitutional presumption of innocence, and as a result flagrantly infringed upon my constitutional rights.

Well, this piece is meant to express my views on Ronelle Rademeyer’s conduct as a journalist.

She, as a professional journalist, bases her information on malicious rumours instead of facts. She also colluded with Min Leon Jooste, Minister of state owned enterprizes, about my affidavit at a time when the ACC instructed me to remain silent and keep everything confidential, and thus they would to( which they did not).

Ronelle has never attempted to get my views or hear my side of the story. She also neglected to disclose that Monica Geingos is one of the owners of Die Republikein and The Namibian Sun. How could anything they publish not be politically motivated? I also know that Dani Booysen, Editor-in-Chief of Die Republikein said that they will never leave me alone. What a friend she turned out to be….

The thing that I simply cannot get my head around is that supposedly intelligent researchers cannot ask or answer the obvious and important questions:

  • Why are the other attorneys who also acted on instructions like Jurie Badenhorst, Sisa Namandje and Sackey Amoomo not also treated (mistreated) like me?
  • Where did the money end up? Who received the money? Why aren’t they prosecuted?
  • In the true sense, I am a whistleblower. As soon as I became aware of the possible links to entities and people implicated in the Al Jazeera Fishrot exposé, I immediately reported all suspicious transactions, through my then partner and compliance officer, Celeste Coetzee. Celeste Coetzee then lied under oath about her involvement in the reporting of such.
  • Who is the mastermind, person on whose authority this whole thing was orchestrated and who are the real beneficiaries? Who are the donors and why would they donate such large amounts? In other words, where did the money go? – follow the money trial……..
  • I got clean audits by the Financial Intelligence Centre (in fact, I was commended by how we conducted our firm’s compliance aspects), the Law Society of Namibia and privately. Why is this not disclosed?
  • Why would the ACC go against their own agreement of confidentiality?
  • The Banks, the auditors and the Bank of Namibia are all reporting institutions under the Financial Intelligence Act- why did they not report the payments to the authorities? Why are they suddenly blameless?
  • If I am being blamed for being a paymaster, then all the Banks are, by definition, also paymasters- why are they not brought to task? Or are they too powerful?


I can think of many more, and will most definitely write about those too.

The most astonishing thing about the timing of the article, is that it appeared only a few days after an article I wrote on my blog was published. This article is about the motivations and consequences of fake news.

My treatment by people like Ronelle Rademeyer evoke images of of McCarthysim:

“Today, McCarthyism is synonymous with any perceived government activity that suppresses unfavorable political or social views by limiting or undermining vital civil rights and liberties under the pretext of maintaining national security. As understood, it is a means of government harassment that includes blacklisting with intent to pressure people to follow popular political beliefs. Thus anyone who makes insufficiently supported accusations or engages in unbalanced investigations against persons in an attempt to silence or discredit them is said to be practicing McCarthyism. This practice in effect represents both a denial of due process and a fundamental breach of civil liberties”

So allow me to quote and paraphrase one of the McCarthy accused’s lawyers when he directed a question to Senator McCarthy, and now ask Ms Rademeyer who is so quick to cast judgement:

“Have you no sense of decency, madam, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?”

Remember that in law, accusation is not proof and conviction depends on real evidence and due process of law.

Might this be a case of  “the lady doth protest too much?”…………….

Just for today

Just for today

Just for today


We live in a very strange time. Loss, sadness, anger and anxiety have become commonplace and I see hopelessness in many eyes. The truth is that we are in uncharted territory and live with uncertainty, fear, disinformation and are required to make choices and decisions that we don’t feel equipped to make.

Over the past weekend I was privileged enough to spend time with wonderful friends in nature. We were all disconnected from the digital world for two days, and what happened was a miracle.

We connected with ourselves and each other. We laughed and played and went on a hike. We got to sleep properly and share our love and friendship. We filled our empty cups and left with renewed determination and grace.

This profound and truly heartfelt experience had me wondering about our current state and problems and what can be done to help people feel better. We read and hear about the problems and effects of social media, and the addictive behavior it causes. The thing with addiction is that the thing you are addicted to doesn’t matter; it is the behavior of the addict that causes devastation. Disengagement, aggression, conflict, etc. happen and the loved ones feel frustration, loss and hopelessness. The addict is not of service and doesn’t contribute to the wellbeing of society.

All of us have degrees of addiction, so it might be worth looking at our own lives and the feelings we have and cause.

I know that when someone says ‘disconnect’, we could become overwhelmed and find it impossible to even contemplate such a thought. Perhaps we can start by saying “Just for today”, or “Just for a morning”, “Just for an hour” – whatever you can manage, and get involved in real life, with real people you can touch and feel. Spend a bit of time in nature and use your God-given senses to take in the wonder of Creation. A real mountain is magnificent, the smells and sounds cannot even be imagined! No picture can invoke the feelings of true, lived experience, and no story can be told as a first-hand account can.

Just for this moment, put your phones and judgements aside. Just for now, look someone in the eye. Just for today, serve others by being with them. Just for today, make the decision to be kind and gentle. Just for now, be the real you in the real world.

I ask only one thing of you today – take a deep breath, remember your values, apply them to real people and real relationships, and feel what it feels like.

You are wonderful and have gifts to give; give them.

The miracle of miracles

The miracle of miracles

The miracle of miracles

“…And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

There is something metaphorical about this verse, but I tell you this: it is absolutely tangible and metaphysical!  Not only pretty words, but very real too.

Let me share what I’ve witnessed.

My dear grandmother is almost 96 years old and quite frail. As to be expected, her memory is failing and her timeline is a bit disorganized. Spending time with this remarkable woman is awe inspiring and humbling, as in my 48 years on earth I’ve never once heard her complain or question Life’s tough events. She had now lost her parents, all her siblings, husband and both her daughters. She accepts Life as it presents itself and focusses on the good.

To illustrate her attitude and gratitude, the story of what she did at my aunt’s (her last remaining child) funeral needs to be told. The minister was kind enough to lead a service at the old age home where my grandmother lives. After the formality, we took Ouma for tea and sweets to her favourite coffee shop. She cannot speak very loudly, so I was tasked relaying her words in my louder voice for everyone to hear. What she said left me speechless.

“Thank you all for being here with me today. I sit here and look around me at the faces of people I love and am filled with gratitude. How can I not be happy when I’ve been blessed with so much love?” This was her message at her daughter’s funeral! Incredible.

At the time she spoke these words her mind was still clear and her focus was a choice; a mind-bogglingly brave one, yet, still a choice.

The miracle I desire to share happened three weeks ago. The matron at the old age home called my sister who lives in the same town as Ouma to ask us to come. The time for her to go is near. Wild horses would not be able to keep me away, so I rushed to join in the final greeting.

My sister and her husband walked into the room and Ouma squinted a bit in order to focus on the people entering. She first spoke to Janus, asking who he was. Patiently he answered. She then looked at my sister and Ouma said: “I don’t know who you are. All I know is that I love you very much.”

What makes these words so powerful, is that they are not borne for choice, because her mind cannot choose anymore. The love she recognized was in her heart. When all cognition fell away, the greatest of faith, hope and love remained: Love.

Love remains and it is very very real. Love is the miracle!